just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
