this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
