Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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