Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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