just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
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Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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