Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
