I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
