I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
