drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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