We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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