I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
