dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
