I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
