You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
