I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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