i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
