Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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