made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
