i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
