dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The best revenge is premature balding
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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