after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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