I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
