Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Boobs are out for the taking
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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