Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
