nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
