The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
