He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
