When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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