70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
