Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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