Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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