He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
