I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
