I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
