Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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