What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
