Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
