im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
