well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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