I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
