if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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