and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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