i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
