That's when you crack a 10am beer
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
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Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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