Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
