Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
