When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
