Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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