If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
