Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
