I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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