i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
