I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
