I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i wish my penis had a tongue
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
