We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
