my room smells like sperm. sweet.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm both gender and math confused
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
