So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
