I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
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Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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