New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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