Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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