Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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