that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
