3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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