i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
