P.S. I can't hear my feet
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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