I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
