The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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